Note: You’re pretty much getting stream-of-consciousness today so it won’t be as polished as usual.
I debated wether to post about this or not. There’s several thing holding me back. 1) I’m not alone and I’m not unique… I don’t want to sound whiny when I’m certianly not the only one going through the same thing and there are women out there who have it much worse than me. 2) It’s kind of personal… I’m not sure I want this out there on the interwebs. Tami and Bre and Brad have all been very supportive but I’m still just waiting for that forum troll having a bad day to come along and flame me horribly leaving my already fragile emotions in a quivering blob on the floor (I know, it’s probably an unreasonable fear. I’ve never been flamed, had a few rude commenters but nothing that I would consider malicious) 3) I’m not sure anyone cares.
I rolled that around in my head a little this morning and decided that it was all crap. If I want to whine, I’m going to whine. Screw you if you don’t like it. I feel disengenuous if I don’t share what’s going on in my life. I don’t feel the need to share EVERYTHING, but this is what occupies 85% of my mental processes every day… that’s a big chunk. I also think if I get it off my chest I’ll feel better. Lastly, I don’t care if you don’t care.
Ok, I just re-read what I’ve written… I think this is going to be anti-climactic… That’s a lot of build up. I think I just need to get down to it and stop with the qualifiers.
As I’ve alluded to before, I want a baby. Want it so bad I can’t hardly stand it. On top of that I’m surrounded by pregnant women. About 5 of the women I listed in that post have had their kiddos and I’ve added 4 more pregnant women since then. All I hear about are the trials and tribulations of being pregnant. I’ve noticed very few women have positive things to say about pregnancy but they all love it anyway. Somehow this doesn’t deterr me in the slightest.
Anywhoo, I’ve decided that this whole thing is one big waiting game. When you are trying to get pregnant, first you wait to ovulate, for me that’s about 3 weeks. Then once that hapens, you’ve done everything you can and you have to wait to find out if you’re pregnant or not, about 2 weeks. If you’re not pregnant you start over again. If you are then you get a blood test from the Dr to confirm the home test, probably not more than a couple of days. Then, if you’re lucky you get to wait for a dopler at 8 weeks which would be about 4 weeks from when you find out if you’re pregnant, if you’re not luck you have to wait 12 weeks (about 8 weeks from when you find out) for your first ultrasound. At this point it’s going to be a little different for every woman, but basically you’re waiting for about 24 weeks when the baby could potentially survive if it were born, then you wait until 37 weeks when it would be fine if it were born, then you wait for delivery at around 40-ish weeks.
It’s a helluva lot of hurry-up-and-wait. I’m still in that first part… and it’s brutal. You’ve done everything you can and you get to the end of your cycle and [insert euphemism for your period here] comes… you feel like a failure. You wonder “what is wrong with me that I can’t do what my body was built to do.” Then that puts more stress on you which in turn can make it harder to concieve.
I just feel really worn down. I’m trying really hard to stay positive but even then I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m just setting myself up for more disapointment.
I’m trying to work my way to a point here and failing. I guess I’m not sure I have one. Just needed to get some of that off my chest. I don’t really have many people I can talk to about this. I feel bad talking to my pregnant friends about it because I don’t want them to feel guilty or avoid talking about their pregnancies with me. I sincerely want to share in their joy, I’m not one of those bitter women who begrudge them their happiness. Sometimes I think The Hubby gets tired of hearing about it too. He wants a baby too but I don’t want to put any additional stress on him… our chances of conception go up if he’s under minimal stress.
Anywhoo, I think I’m going to close here (Bre I hope I haven’t scared you off, the copious amounts of unprotected sex really is fun!) I’ve kind of wound down… I think I’m done complaining :-)
Edit: I took the ticker down as it has expired, if you would like one for TTC, pregnancy, or just about any other type of countdown go to lilypie.com